Go Piss, Girl?

10 Gossip Girl Outfits Rated by Ease of Pee

Originally published on Substack 1/21/2021

On April 10, a meme dropped in a Facebook group: at the top, Serena saying, “I have to pee”; at the bottom, Blair replying, “Go piss, girl.” Within a few days, the format had gone viral, dozens of variations circulating on social media: “Peppa who?” “Pig, girl” / “Why did the US invade Iraq?” “Oil, girl.”

It truly was a meme of our times: totally unhinged, easy to play along at home. The meme required no knowledge of the show, just the ability to rearrange the letters in “Gossip Girl,” Enola Holmes–style. And yet, looking back, it also seems strangely sweet, even naïve, the product of only a month of stay-at-home. Ten months in, I can only respond by creating something equally broken: rating ten Gossip Girl outfits by how easily I could pee in them.

Before stay-at-home, I carried a reusable water bottle like a security blanket, and so I often thought of outfits in these terms. I once put a blazer over a sweater over a jumpsuit, and while I looked especially cute, I deeply regretted my layers in a bathroom stall.

I’m sure Eric Daman didn’t consider his costumes in this way—these outfits were designed to be worn by an actor for a scene, not a person in everyday life—but as someone who thinks fondly of the days when I would map out the best public bathrooms along my route, this seems like a logical question to ask: Could I, indeed, go piss, girl?

[All bodies, and all bladders, are different, so your ratings may vary. I am rating on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the easiest for me.]

Nate in a lace-up shirt and drawstring shorts, episode 2.1

Drawstring shorts, are you kidding?? I love bottoms with give.

10/10

Blair walking her bike in a floral-print summer dress, episode 2.1

I would not choose a short A-line dress for a bike ride but certainly would for an efficient pee.

9/10

Chuck in a zip-up red onesie, episode 5.19

Jumpsuits are generally no-nos for me, but this onesie zippers from clavicle to crotch. Smart, and I’ll look like a Wes Anderson reimagining of Little Red Riding Hood.

8/10

Vanessa in a snakeskin dress with pleather leggings, episode 1.6

On first glance, I love it: another easy dress! On second, I see them, dread knotting in my stomach: Pleather. Leggings.

Why make things harder than they need to be? 

7/10

Blair in a white blouse, blue-and-black houndstooth kilt, and white stockings with garters, episode 2.8

Looks like a regular skirt but unbuttons along the side. Nice!

I’m deducting three points for garters.

6/10

Jenny in shorts with fishnets underneath, episode 3.7

Ah, fishnets under shorts. Perhaps Jenny’s most youthful rebellion.

I would rip an even bigger hole in those ’nets trying to get them off.

5/10

Serena in a halter-neck one-piece swimsuit, episode 1.12

If dry, 5/10.

If wet, I’ll bury it in Central Park and start over under a new name.

Chuck in a dress shirt with suspenders, episode 3.2

I’ve never worn suspenders, so I’d probably spend too much time figuring them out and almost pee myself.

On second thought, that would be out of the embarrassment of looking like a Wall Street extra.

3/10

Serena in a black-and-white dress with a longer hemline in back, episode 4.3

A floor-length dress can be tricky, but if I had to pick, it’d be a mullet style. Just pull up that party-in-the-back and get to business. The dress is heinous enough that I won’t feel bad if I miss.

2/10

Blair in a red ballgown, episode 4.2

Gorgeous, iconic, dramatic. I’d piss all over it.

1/10

[Join me next Thursday, 1/28, for another mini issue on Gossip Girl fashion.]